Letting Go

Letting Go

So, I read something on Facebook yesterday that made me cry and I am not one who easily cries.  Who am I kidding everything seems to make me cry these days! It was written by a woman from Beirut Lebanon whose name is Alaa Hujazi who, according to her post, is a trauma psychologist.  I will probably never meet her but her words seemed to be written for me to read.  She was absolutely shocked by the "motivational" phrase going around right now "If you don't come out of this with a new skill, you never lacked time, you lacked discipline." She went on in the post to write how she was "utterly utterly horrified, enraged, and bewildered about how people can believe and spread this phrase in good conscience because we are going through a time of collective trauma, that is bringing up profound grief, loss, panic over livelihoods, panic over loss of lives of loved ones and our nervous systems are barely coping with the sense of threat and vigilance for safely, or alternating with feeling numb and frozen and shutting down in response to it all."

This hit me hard because I started out thinking if the world was shutting down then I could get so much done on this big project, 'Wandering with Wonder' we are hoping to premier in September.  It seemed a long way off when the Covid - 19 pandemic started and it felt like everything was still going to be ok, and it still might be, but I have had to let go. Let go of deadlines, let go of steering the ship, let go of what this time was "supposed to look like" and swim in uncharted waters with a face mask on and lots of hand sanitizer. Everyday there is new information that makes what was once possible seem impossible and I have just had to let go.  I'm sure you can all relate to that in some way.  As my book club ladies said this morning, on our second book club Zoom meeting, we all feel a loss of control right now and that is so very hard to handle.

Alaa's words resonated with me because I have always worked hard to have discipline but that is not going to be enough now.  No amount of discipline can predict what the future holds when this time of self-isolation comes to an end.  Alaa went on to post "What we need is more self compassion, more gentle acceptance of all the difficult emotions coming up for us now, more focus on gentle ways to soothe ourselves and our pain and the pain of loved ones around us, not a whipping by some random f&^%er making us feel worse about ourselves in the name of "motivation"." Her words, not mine but I completely agree with her.  I would add that we are also going to need resilience and perseverance.  The motivational gurus who I love to follow, as they give me a great kick in the butt when I need it, are not who I am finding helpful right now.  Instead I have been following my friend Mary Sullivan @yogamaryyyc and meditating with her on the mornings she offers an Instagram live mediation.  Her meta meditation has us filling ourselves and others with love and kindness, wishing for ourselves and others to be safe and well and to find peace and be joyful.  In the meditation we are asked to envision other people, really see them and send these things to them.  So, if you feel something in the middle of the day wash over you it just might be the energy I'm sending you to get through this time with peace, love and kindness and some sense of joy.